I hardly know where to begin. Prayer is hard and praying with people of subtly different beliefs is harder. That seems as good a starting place as any. There is little about the prayers offered up in Sandyford's prayer meetings that I can point to and say, "I don't agree with that." However, the sum of the songs, the bible studies and the prayers leaves me worn out, often angry, feeling isolated and lonely and frustrated. Often there are fairly specific things that make me mad. I thought that was bad. Last night was worse. Oh, sure, I disagreed slightly with the bible teaching but it was silly, more of a "I agree with your premise but not how you got there from Psalm 70 which doesn't say that at all" situation. But I felt weighted down in the actual prayer, restless and trapped. By the end I was sitting there quietly crying. I added nothing aloud; I just couldn't manage it. I added my silent prayers to theirs where I felt I could, altered them where I couldn't and at times just sat there.
Why am I doing this? Well, for one thing they keep saying piercing things about the importance of sticking with it and how hard it is. And until I know if that's just them or God speaking through them I can't manage to ignore it. For another, Ron goes. For a third, I did a church hunt when I was first in Glasgow and this was the best I found. So I quieted myself enough to show no traces at the end of prayer and left as quickly as possible--and then cried half the way home, much to Ron's dismay.
An interesting point within all this--I was desperately homesick for BREAK@8. I'd not have thought I would miss anything in Atlanta, but BREAK is people more than place I suppose. But I missed them terribly. In honor of them, and because it is one of my favorite prayers, I'm including the Franciscan Blessing we used to close our prayer groups this past year. I've certainly long been blessed (and cursed) with a restless discomfort about easy answers and half-truths, and it continues to plague me here more than ever. I prefer it, however, to the alternative.
May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.
May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.
May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God’s grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.
And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator, Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour, and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.
AMEN.
2 comments:
Thank you for your blessing.
How you describe feeling was very familiar to me, because that's how I felt when I was in church. But there are aspects of Catholicism that I aspire to, and for the most part they are the parts that conform with your prayer - leftist nuns and priests in South America saving dissidents from roving gangs, catholic charities feeding hungry homeless in SF. My theory is that it doesn't matter what you're wearing when you do a good thing - from business suit to dirty shirt, priest's frock to jail orange. I've known morally bankrupt pagans, and advised them that I thought they were. (Anyone can change - even if old habits die hard)
Anyway, prayer in groups has always been hard for me to. Ritual in covens (analogous) has been similar. I'm sympathetic if not helpful. :-}
I like the blessing. I think that it's been easier for me in some ways because I don't expect to agree with the beliefs of the people around me. When I can pray and worship alongside someone and come from the same perspective as them, how cool- but I don't imagine that this will come around very often. I haven't heard of any other human being who sees things the way I do- you're probably about as close as it gets. ^.^
When being part of or listening to other people's devotions, I focus on the spirit of what is being said. Are they praying for help? Do they show joy and compassion? Those who go looking for God will find God--he isn't that hung up on the details, in my experience.
My advice on the rest of it is that it's important to find time to bring God into your life, but that there are many ways of doing so. If this church is not the way for you, brainstorm some other places/activities that might be meaningful. If, on the other hand, there are things that you are gaining through this experience, then stick it out, but also find some opportunity for faith that is joyful and not in opposition.
My two cents. ^-^
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